Admiral Laker's Police Brief 1-20

Admiral Laker is glad to be back. He can only read Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea so many times before boredom creeps up his leg like a bout of scurvy. Luckily, Admiral Laker has four weeks of recriminations to report.

Not to live in the past, but Admiral Laker cannot forgive the transgressions of yesteryear; however, in the spirit of his New Year’s Resolution (be less salty), he will magnanimously spare the roasting of these baddies and simply list their crimes. On Dec. 10, there was a theft from a vehicle in Upper Lot Two; on Dec. 12 there was a
liquor law violation on Wayne Street; on Dec. 23 there was a theft in Zurn; and on Dec. 27, there was a theft in the Ice Center.

Admiral Laker wants to point out that New Year’s Resolutions are for suckers because he is breaking his now, albeit only slightly. Nineteen minutes before the New Year, some miscreants were cited for tampering with a fire alarm while drinking illegally and acting rambunctiously in the Duval Apartments. Admiral Laker feels justified in breaking his promise not to roast these cretins because they didn’t show the same concern for the others living in their building.

Getting back into the present day, there was a liquor law violation on Briggs Avenue on Jan. 10. These boozers got nailed with a State Police citation. There was another liquor law violation the next day, but this peon took it a bit further: he/she also was cited for harassment and disorderly conduct, earning a trifecta of citations. The same day there was a theft in the Laker and, no, it wasn’t Parkhurst prices going up.

McAuley Hall makes its less than triumphant return to the pages of the police blotter with a possession of drug paraphernalia on Jan. 13. The student was referred to Residence Life for discipline. A student on Briggs Avenue was cited for underage drinking and possession of a controlled substance on Jan. 17. Admiral Laker hopes this student’s New Year’s Resolution wasn’t to stay out of trouble.

Admiral Laker did have one other New Year’s resolution and attentive readers might have noticed it. Mrs. Laker wants Admiral Laker to stop making bad outdated food puns and he will attempt to respect her wishes. Nuts.