Admiral Laker apologizes for not publishing last week. He was busy bribing intelligence students with pizza.

Mercyhurst was racked with crime this last week and Admiral Laker knows it has something to do with the lack of snow and the relative heat wave. Temperatures hit the 50s and all the baddies came out to play. Well Admiral Laker wants to issue the Mercyhurst community a stern warning: You better get ship shape fast.

The first no-good-nik was pinched on East 40th Street in the wee hours of the morning on March 26 for trespassing. Admiral Laker got the call around 0250 and let him tell you, Mrs. Laker was not happy to be woken up by the sound of Admiral Laker re-doing his Velcro-laced shoes. In a separate incident on East 40th Street later that day, a student was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia on East 40th. It was fortunate in a way because Admiral Laker was able to pick up a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal Bar wrapper he had dropped earlier.

Multiple students were cited for underage drinking in Warde Hall on March 27. The police log reads “Liquor Law Violations” which could either mean the PoPo made a TyPo or that the police are lazier than Admiral Laker thought with the crime log and simply didn’t want to write out all the individual offenses. In any event, the Mercyhurst community is worse off for it.

East 40th Street had a rough week as a student was cited for possession of a controlled substance and paraphernalia on March 27. The student was referred for discipline and told never again to eat Kix Cereal out of one of those bowls with the straw built in. They’re for kids, buddy, grow up. (Not the bowls, Admiral Laker has a dozen.)

There was so much crime at Mercyhurst this week the Erie City Police had to get in on the action. Erie Police arrested a perp on March 28 and charged him/her charged with a liquor law violation, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and drug paraphernalia. Admiral Laker thinks the police are being a little redundant in the charges here: it seems like resisting arrest is inherently disorderly conduct.

Also on March 28, a student was cited for disorderly conduct on Lewis Avenue and was referred for discipline. Admiral Laker gets it: Duck Tales was a great show. It’s not coming back though, so learn to live with writing fan fiction.

To cap off the weekly crime log, a student was cited for possession of a controlled substance in Warde Hall on March 29. Admiral Laker has already made two food references this week. He’ll Skippy a third.