Wedding date needed, inquire within

Hannah Brooks, Features editor

As a very exciting senior date auction prize, the winner of the senior date auction is given their own very special feature in the Merciad. This year’s winner, Eli Louis, hopes to find a date who will attend a wedding as his plus-one in the Fall. This article will tell you all that you need to know about him, and then some, to help guide you in all that you need to know about your next perfect dating partner.

First, the most important place to start is with preferences. When it comes to Louis, he admits that his preferences are “very specific” and also “non-negotiable”, meaning that if you do not share the same interests, the possibility of a date with him is non-existent. 

“I like to save kittens from burning house fires and build houses for the wealthy in my free time,” said Louis. “I also find great pleasure in participating in organized crime. I frequently play chess against myself, but I always lose. I actively search for buried treasure though I have no clues or leads.”

Louis adds that in addition to his date wearing attire that complements his, he requests that his date also gets a matching face tattoo for the very special event. Additionally, he has some very specific requests in other various categories.

“I want a date who needs to have her food separated on the plate. If it touches, she is going home,” said Louis. “Also, she either needs to be under five-foot-one, or above six-feet-one, otherwise, we will have nothing to talk about. She should be deeply interested in eastern punk rock subcultures as well as Five Nights at Freddy’s lore.”

Louis additionally adds that his date needs to be “comfortable with berating him in front of his family” and that he would like to be “compared to his date’s ex girlfriend or boyfriend often, frequently, or even without end.”

Before the wedding, of course, comes the first date to see if the two of you are going to be compatible with one another. That, for Louis, like many other things – includes some very specific requests, wants, and even a few necessities. 

“An ideal date starts with you interrupting everything I say and ends with both of us alone and dissatisfied, maybe even crying. However, us just getting Starbucks together is also a viable alternative,” said Louis. 

Louis seemingly became confused at this point in the interview, asking me who I was and why I was asking him so many personal questions. He asked if I would appreciate being interrogated and asked so many personal questions. However, once reminded of the subject matter and why such questions were being asked, he did seem to become aware again of what was happening.

“There is a wedding in the Fall, I don’t know the exact date or anything like that, I also might be in it, I don’t know, man,” said Louis. “A date to come with might be nice. But I expect her to be willing to destroy at least one food web or ecosystem. After the wedding, I would like to pointlessly burn plastic together.”

When asked if he had any other details he would like to add, Louis said, “I would like for my date who will be willing to share her buried treasure clues with me, but will expect nothing in return.”

If Eli seems to be the perfect match for you, please be sure to act quickly, as spots are surely going to fill up fast. Louis asks that you contact him via Instagram at @_louis_eli_ for any further questions, as well as to put in your official application to be his wedding date.