How will the government shut-down affect us?

What does the government shutdown mean For you? A lot of people have come up to me asking what a government shutdown means. Unfortunately, the government shutdown’s effects reach as far as Erie, Pa. Here are just a few of the ways this shutdown will affect you:

• The Articles of Confederation is now the Supreme Law of the Land.
• The Office of Management and Budget has an online form you can fill out to declare yourself nonessential personnel and get furloughed. This means you can skip class without professors marking you off.
• A government shutdown is like daylight savings time. Anything you do during a government shutdown in effect didn’t actually happen. Side note, no one’s watching the Mercedes dealership.
• The Commerce Clause is dead. If you’ve ever wanted to commit an interstate crime now is the ideal time.
• Area journalists are reporting sights of the Canadian Moose Cavalry. With no one watching the U.S.-Canadian border, a Canadian invasion seems almost inevitable.
• All sporting events will now be broadcast on C-SPAN.
• Production for the Arrested Development movie is ceasing indefinitely.
• Due to unforeseen budget cuts, the 24/7 Lounge is now the only accessible room of Hammermill Library.
• With the collapse of the American dollar, your meal plans are the only things standing between you and cannibalism.
• All Warde, McAuley and Baldwin Hall rooms will now house four to a room in order to save heating and gas.
• On the other hand, Egan Dining Hall food still tastes the same.

It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I hope you’re feeling just fine).